this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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