Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
