I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
