Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
