I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
