Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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