Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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