i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
