well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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