she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
