We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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