She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
