I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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