You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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