Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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