the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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