Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize