I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
COCAINE IS GR8
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
