Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
