I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
