I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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