happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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