I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
