dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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