so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
