Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
