I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
