Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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