the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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