If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
