Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
