i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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