Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You were trust falling into bushes
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
