I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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