this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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