mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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