I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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