I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
