WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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