Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
