Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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