Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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