She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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