my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
