you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
