Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
