Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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