just tell him i said nine months
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
