mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
