mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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