grandma shit on top of the toilet
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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