you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
