Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I currently don't understand fingers.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
