I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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