she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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