My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
